-- warning for introspection and overly dramatic crap
once i wrote a poem called "tower". does anyone remember that? it was about transgender royalty; it was concrete poetry and it was kinda "out there" as far as my work is concerned but it was also pretty cool. in that poem the tower represented restrictions and confines and an impassable border, both in the view of the poem's protagonist- the prince that was locked up in the tower, unable to leave- and also in a meta sense, in that by making a concrete poem i, the writer, could not go beyond the borders of the poem, the shape of the tower that the poem created. both the prince and i were confined to a tower, one that we could not pass.
in tarot the Tower card is considered an omen of change; i know next to nothing about the tarot, but that's what Wikipedia says. in fact, on a closer reading i got this description of an interpretation if the card appears in a spread: "If you have been building castles in the air this may be the time that some of them come crashing down to earth.
" "This is not an indicator that you need to panic.
" Also, "This doesn't have to be dire; change is the nature of life, and trying to prevent it is like trying to row upstream without a paddle.
" "This is a time again to keep a positive attitude as much as possible. New understandings and insights may come to you in the blink of an eye.
" "You will get through this time just fine; particularly if you remember that you have all the resources you need, already inside you, to deal with life and to do what you need to do.
" (all of these are from x
things are changing. i'm still figuring out who i am but that process takes time, and it involves leaving things and people behind. things that used to be important to me no longer are, and there are things i never suspected would be important to me that have become just that. sorting out my priorities is a bit of a daunting task, and a bit of a painful one as well. but one thing i need to keep in mind that my priority has to be myself, and not you guys. (not that my priority has beenn you guys in quite some time; just look
at how little i've posted in the past year.) if i keep focusing on what my projected "audience" wants, nothing will get done. (a recent project of mine illustrated that very well, actually.)
if i do things that im interested in, and that im proud of, then at least i will be happy with it, and i can theoretically find other people that are equally interested in it.
the only problem is just that: doing what i'm, interested in. honestly, i have no clue what that is
. i have done the same thing/s for so long, i think maybe i just kind of assumed that they were what i liked, without actually considering any other options. unfortunately, exploring new ideas may mean abandoning old ideas.
in a way i'm lucky that i don't exactly have an "audience" or a "fanbase", and that i've been so inactive for such a long time? it means there are less things to be leaving behind, and less people to potentially upset. but there will definitely be things left behind; that's just the way time works, and i'm still in the process of accepting that.
please be patient with me.
-- ps: this is where the me that i'm used to being would list out everything that they'd be giving up and everything they'd be keeping and everything they'd be starting. i need to learn to not be that person anymore.